Reader Writes - October 2020
Our middle daughter is getting married this month; that’s a milestone and happy event for any parent, and if you’ve been happily married yourself for a long time, you long for your children to be similarly blessed. Is it mostly luck that you find the right partner, that the ingredients are right? Or is it more about process and, if you go with the metaphor, culinary skill? So what would Trish and I pass on to our children, should they be willing and able to embrace our advice?
First, differences! In our children’s generation, differences and independence are perhaps more confidently asserted, but this still needs saying loudly. Differences in a relationship should enrich it, grist for a creative mill. We all have different styles and preferences, and of course scars; it’s enriching to learn to recognise this and to rejoice in differences. Let them snuggle together familiarly and contentedly. But let’s also expect them to change; each of us in a relationship will change the other person. We should be observant and learn from each other, adapting and complimenting each other.
It is hard not to sound corny, but secondly, it also helps me to think of marriage as a shared adventure. What I’m hunting for is the idea of something that is dynamic, perhaps developing like an exciting plant. Sharing the challenges and demands, and sometimes surprises, is part of the process that matches your stride and spots the joint opportunities. Our daughter and her husband are heading off with their bicycles to the Outer Hebrides. It’s a nice metaphor for marriage; there will be shared joys and, of course, …. headwinds!
Thirdly, when we were married a university friend, Sister Barbara, gave us a verse - Ephesians 4:32 “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Forgiveness when you are deeply in love?! It seemed an almost superfluous piece of advice. But of course Sister Barbara was a very dear and wise woman, and she knew all about forgiveness because she lived in community. How right she was! Kindness, compassion and forgiveness are essential healing oils for living together, working together, sharing the challenges together. And Paul knew what he was talking about when he wrote these words to the Ephesian church. Forgiveness not only restores intimacy but it works away building it.
And a final spiritual remark. Jesus and his disciples were invited to a wedding at Cana; just as the family had the good fortune to invite him, so I would say to any couple, invite Jesus into your marriage and into your home. He won’t hesitate to come. But the main thing about this wedding at Cana was that they ran out of wine; a social disaster. After the intervention of his mother, Jesus instructed the servants to fill some large jars with fresh water and to go and present a sample to the toast-master. We all know from John’s Gospel that the water was turned into wine, and not ordinary wine but the very best wine. Make space for God in your marriage and in your home, and he can turn the water into wine. He will use the ordinary, the mistakes, the hurts, and turn them into a rich vintage. Invite him to do so!
Robert MacCurrach